Hermione has Draco's Twins. Everyone shocked.
The wizarding world was rocked today when mild-mannered, straight-O student, Hermione Granger, gave birth to the twins of none other than Draco Malfoy. Both children - one boy, one girl - were so gorgeous that the eyes of a mere human could not stand to look upon them for more than a few moments, but this reporter glimpsed adorable blonde curls. It is expected that both will be up, walking, talking and working toward bringing their estranged parents together in a Parent Trap-like plotline in no time.

Voldemort Defeated With Daft Use of Broccoli. More News at 9.
That's right, folks. Lord Voldemort - the big cheese - was defeated today when Neville Longbottom threw a head of organic broccoli at him. Much to the clumsy boy's surprise, not seven but 93 horcruxes fell from his robes and broke into tiny pieces. Three hours later, in St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies, the Dark Lord himself lost his battle with evil. His last words have not been substantiated but rumors report they were a cry for his mommy.

Ministry Aurors searching is West London flat found a collection of Ty Beanie Babies.

Elemental Witchcraft: All It's Cracked Up To Be?
Two elemental witches - Ginny Weasley and Mary Sue-Ellen Potter - would like the wizarding world to reconsider their common illusions about this difficult aspect of magic. After being caught in a freak lightening storm, both girls emerged to find that they no longer had control over their powers and, much like Midas before them, began to reconsider their affection for the craft.

Ministry Obliviators are currently working to erase the memories of several Muggle's who were shopping at Skimpy Clothes 'R' Us when the girls entered and flooded the building while fighting over a lepord print micro-mini skirt.

Truth or Dare Leads to Fatherless Babies. Parent's Outraged.
When Pansy Parkinson, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Blaise Zabini, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy got up this morning, this reporter is certain that none of them were aware they would spend the better portion of their day locked in a broom cupboard together. What the teens were doing that led them down this disused corridor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, no one is quite certain, but at 8 o'clock this evening the Hogwarts Caretaker, Argus Filch, found the students while looking for his pet cat.

The students were escourted to Minerva McGonagall's office where Poppy Pomfrey, Hogwarts Nurse, dealt with the barrage of questions from angry parents. When asked what Hogwarts would do to accomodate their new arrivals, Pomfrey replied that they would simply set them up with Nanny's in the hospitol wing, taking any burden off these hard working students.

Coming Soon:
James Potter and Sirius Black Scoff at Rules Once Again.
Ginny Dies In Tragic Tube Top Accident. Coverage on the 8's.
Harry Potter Pines over Pensylvannia Pop-Princess.
Pizza: The Newest Menu Item at Hogwarts?
Tube Socks: Friend or Foe?