Girldetective85: Hey guys! I'm Jules, one of HPFF's new validators.

JLHufflepuff: And I'm Jessi, another new validator. Well, kind of new, anyway.

Girldetective85: Jessi and I have just arrived at the brand-spanking-new offices of HPFF for our grand tour as new staff members.

JLHufflepuff: I definitely like what I'm seeing. I mean, the way the staff talked, I thought they were working from a wireless connection in a truck stop or something.

Girldetective85: The building looks so normal. Are you sure we've got the right address, Jessi? I half expected to see a huge poster of Sirius Black in a loincloth.

JLHufflepuff: (stands at the doorway apprehensively; pushes Jules forward) You go first.

Girldetective85: FINE. But you SO owe me! (takes a deep breath) Ooh automatic doors ... classy. And look, a receptionist desk with a house-elf! It's typing furiously into a dozen laptops at once. Oh man - you don't think that's someone important, do you? What if that's Jay or Logical? What if they're really house-elves?!?! (frightened squeal)

JLHufflepuff: Stay calm. (clears throat) Um, ma'am? Excuse me. We're the new validators ... Jay told us to be here at 9:00 sharp. Uh.....

Star Mochee: You is late, misses! Master Jay will be so angry with Star Mochee! Star Mochee will be finding Master Jay's hot pink tutu for sure, and then Star Mochee will has lost its job! Follow me!

JLHufflepuff: (looks around) What's in here? This looks like an awesome break room.

Girldetective85: Ooh look at this ginormous coffee machine! Here are some mugs! Let's fill 'er up (reaches for the coffee machine)

Star Mochee: (turns red in the face) WHAT IS YOU DOING? (slaps Jules's hand) No coffee for you until you is validated at least ..... 400 stories!

Girldetective85: OUCH! (eyes fill with tears) All I wanted ... *sniff* was some *sniff* morning joe...

JLHufflepuff: (cowers slightly) I think we're going to have to toughen up. We haven't even seen the queue yet. (glares as menacingly as possible at Star Mochee) Can we see something else if we can't have any of that? Like maybe our workspace?

Star Mochee: (rolls eyes and snorts) Weaklings. This way. You come with me.

Girldetective85: Look, Jessi! That's the podcast room! It looks like a MTV studio ... look at all the fancy audio equipment and the "On Air" sign!

JLHufflepuff: Whoah! Who is that in there? I think it's Snitchy... Should we go talk to her?

Girldetective85: Nah, let's play it cool. We don't want to look like drooling fangirls. (takes a deep breath, trying to restrain herself; gives in) SNITCHSISTA! I'm such a big FAN! I LOVE YOU!!! Can you sign my shirt?!

JLHufflepuff: We're totally gonna get fired. (eyes Mochee) Um, is that the staff room? (runs in and knocks over 12 foot stack of papers) That wasn't important, was it?

Star Mochee: (screeching) NOOOOO! That was Stack #132,242,212,498,921 of Dramiones! Miss has mixed it up with Stack #132,242,212,498,922!

Girldetective85: What is a Dramione, exactly?

Star Mochee: (looks at Jules pityingly) Miss will see. But you and other Miss will need to fix these piles up before Mistress LogicalRaven sees this or she will put you in the Emerald City!

JLHufflepuff: What's the Emerald Ci-

Star Mochee: (leaves the staff room in a huff; door slams behind her)

JLHufflepuff: (shrugs) How do we know which order these stories go in? (checks out a few fics; face turns red) Oh ... my...

Girldetective85: What? What? Let me see. (grabs a Dramione) Oh ... wow. Shouldn't this be tucked in the back of a Barnes & Noble, under a cover of a bare-chested man in a mini-kilt?

JLHufflepuff: (closes eyes) I need a break already. (leans against a bookshelf; bookshelf starts moving) AH! Hey, a secret passage! Look, Jules, torches and stone walls...

Girldetective85: Guess the Phantom turned to Harry Potter fanfiction to get over Christine. (grabs a torch) Come on, let's see where this goes!

JLHufflepuff: There's a door up ahead. It looks really heavy ... come on, help me push it. (door creaks open creepily) Oh wow - it smells SO good! Like piping hot coffee and donuts dripping with glazed sugar.

Girldetective85: That's because they're there on that desk! This is the Archive and Forum Admins' office! (points to sign) I'm starving. I'm SO stealing a Krispy Kreme. They can't fire me for being hungry, can they? (reaches for a donut)

JLHufflepuff: (nervous) Jules, don't touch it! I have a bad feeling about this!

Girldetective85: Don't worry. I'll do the Indiana Jones thing. (grabs a stapler, fingers wiggling; inches toward donut)

JLHufflepuff: Oh boy.

Girldetective85: (snatches donut and slams stapler down where the donut was) HA! See, nothing happened! Wait, what's that? Do you hear that noise, Jessi?

JLHufflepuff: Yeah, it sounds like thunder. Or maybe something reeeeally big rolling towards us... (turns to see a giant ball rolling towards us from an open wall) RUN!!!! It's going to SQUISH us!

Girldetective85: This way! There's a door over there - please be unlocked, please be unlocked. YES! (gets in, slams the door; looks around) This place is really dark and cold. How did they get these huge trees in here?

JLHufflepuff: Jules. Where the heck are we? It looks like the Forbidden Forest! Trees and dirt...

Girldetective85: Check. A night sky with a big full moon and lots of fog...

JLHufflepuff: Check. The howling of a werewolf...

Girldetective85: Check. Wait a second... (laughs nervously) Must be sound effects. They have loudspeakers playing somewhere, I'm sure. (picks up a twig) Dude, they really make an effort with this place.

JLHufflepuff: I'm starting to rethink this whole validating thing. Maybe we should just go back to being members and forget this whole thing.

Girldetective85: Me too. Let's go back and find that elf ... uh-oh. (turns around, tugs on door) It won't budge.

JLHufflepuff: Let me try. (tugs on door) You're right. Guess we have to go all the way through the woods .... hey, there's a light up ahead! It looks like it's coming from some kind of shack.

Girldetective85: We don't have any other choice, we'll have to go knock. (leads the way timidly; pauses) Did you hear that? There's some kind of rustling coming from over there...

JLHufflepuff: (pushes Jules) Don't look at it! Just keep going and maybe it'll leave us alone.

Mysterious Voice: (sinister laugh)

Both: (shrieking; runs to shack, pounds on door) Hello?! Hello!? Please let us in!

Kreemy Krisp: (opens door) Who is you?! (frowns) What is you doing here!

JLHufflepuff: Another house elf? You don't look like the other one ... you look kind of mean!

Kreemy Krisp: (eyes widen at the donut in Jules's hand; stomps on her foot VERY hard) WHAT IS YOU DOING WITH THAT! That is Mistress Kay's donut!

Girldetective85: OW! Okay when I agreed to take this position, I did NOT see any fine print about getting harassed by house-elves!

Kreemy Krisp: (snatches donut away) Krisp goes to put this back. You don't move! (shoves past Jessi and Jules; stalks into Forbidden Forest)

JLHufflepuff: Look, Jules. (points into shack) A table full of little colorful bottles. And there's a fire in front of that door! (picks up a piece of paper and reads aloud) "Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind. Two of us will help you, whichever you would find..."

Girldetective85: Oh NO! This is the Potions riddle from Book 1! (slaps forehead) I SUCK at riddles! Where's Hermione when you need her?!

JLHufflepuff: (cackles triumphantly, pointing at a bookshelf with all seven copies of the books) Right here! (thumbs through Book 1) Aha. This goes here ... this goes over here... this is the bad one... (mumbling, then holds up a bottle) It's THIS one!

Girldetective85: Are you sure?! It doesn't look like we're supposed to drink it. It has one of these squishy things that old-fashioned perfume bottles have... (takes bottle and squeezes)

JLHufflepuff: NO! Don't waste it, Jules! (the stream of liquid hits the fire and puts it out) Whoa. You just extinguished the fire.

Girldetective85: Go us! (rushes over to door and opens it)

JLHufflepuff: The house-elf told us to stay here!

Girldetective85: The little beast broke my toe. I think that means I get to do whatever I want. (goes in, looks around) Jessi, we've found some more offices!

JLHufflepuff: It's a very nice, normal-looking office. Bookshelves, a little tray with MORE donuts and coffee - DON'T TOUCH THEM, Jules ...

Girldetective85: (grumbling) I wasn't going to.

JLHufflepuff: Two comfy desk chairs, one with an "L" on the back and one with a "T." Look at the poster of Harry and Cho kissing on the side with the "L" chair.

Girldetective85: And there's a nice picture of Sirius Black taped above the "T" chair. Maybe this is LogicalRaven and timeturner's office!

JLHufflepuff: You're right, it is! Logical's favorite ship is Harry/Cho. (tiptoes into the room) I hope nothing weird happens to us. I kind of just want to get started on the queue...

Girldetective85: Look, a door that says "Do Not Enter." Let's go in.

JLHufflepuff: (groans) You're going to get us fired! (looks closely at the door) Wait, why would there be a "Do Not Enter" sign on a locked door? People can't enter anyway.

Girldetective85: Yes they can. If they catch the key. (points to a key flying around the ceiling)

JLHufflepuff: Urgh! I'm sick of these stupid games! (pulls out a chair and stands on it) I am catching this key if it's the last thing I do! (swipes at the key; misses)

Girldetective85: (climbs on timeturner's desk) I hope she doesn't mind. This'll be quick. (snatches at key; loses balance; falls flat on face) Ouch.

jLHufflepuff: (finds a roll of duct tape) I'm going to make a ball of this and chuck it at the key. (throws sticky ball at key) Yes! It's stuck to the wall! (wheels chair over and grabs the key) I got it! I got it!

Girldetective85: (cheers) Quick, try it on the door! (cheers again when the door opens; follows Jessi inside)

JLHufflepuff: It's really dark in here. I can't see a thing. (door slams shut behind us) Oh no!

Mysterious Voice: (deep, booming through the room) Mu hu hu ha ha ha! Welcome!

Girldetective85: (squeaks and grabs Jessi) Who's there?!

JLHufflepuff: (quavering) V-V-Voldemort?

Mysterious Voice: (sighs) Er, no. (back to booming voice) Are you JLHufflepuff and Girldetective85?

Both: Y-yes.

Mysterious Voice: Good! (I'm a big fan of "Visions of Greatness," by the way. Go Scorpy!) (clears throat) You have been selected to join the exclusive HPFF staff. I congratulate you on your promotion and on passing the first three tasks!

Girldetective85: Tasks? You were testing us?

Mysterious Voice: Of course! Task #1 involved an irresistible Krispy Kreme donut. It tested for a sweet tooth, which is mandatory if you're going to be working for us. Also, bonus points for using a stapler. Our last candidate for validator didn't put down anything at all. Obviously they have not seen Temple of Doom!

JLHufflepuff: (wipes brow) Wow! Jules passed that one with flying colors! Was the Forbidden Forest a test?

Mysterious Voice: Yes, we wanted to see if you were brave enough for the queue ... actually I'm lying, it's just fun to watch people throw a fit in a dark and scary forest. (back to booming voice) Task #2 involved the Riddle of the Potions. This required resourcefulness and the ability to thumb quickly through canon, locating with speed and dexterity the exact passage you need at any given second. This is required for all validators.

Girldetective85: (pats Jessi on the back) Way to go, Jessi!

Mysterious Voice: Bonus points for squeezing the potion at the fire. The last validating candidate simply drank the potion by squeezing it down his throat.

Girldetective85: Yikes. What happened?

Mysterious Voice: He died.

JLHufflepuff: (gasps) Really!?

Mysterious Voice: No. (back to booming voice) Task #3 involved a flying key to a forbidden door! This task tested your ingenuity at catching elusive things. You'll need that for the queue, in case some wise guy tries to slip a swear word into a 12+ story with a warning for Spoilers. He'll be the one it's SPOILED for! HA HA HA!

Girldetective85: (claps) Go Jessi! Catchin' swears with duct tape, all right!!

Mysterious Voice: Bonus points for seeing the "Do Not Enter" sign and immediately wanting to go in.

Girldetective85: Because it shows my mental resilience and ability to bend rules to my every whim?

Mysterious Voice: Nah, I just thought it was funny. (booming voice) Now that you have passed these preliminary challenges, there is one final task. Each of you must validate all of these stories before time runs out on this clock. (lights snap on)

JLHufflepuff: OH MAN! (looks at the enormous warehouse filled with stacks of paper)

Girldetective85: This is ridiculous! How much time do we have?!

Mysterious Voice: Here's the clock. (a huge digital clock appears with 1:00:00 on it) You have one hour before this place blows up.

Both: (hugging each other and crying)

Mysterious Voice: Do it to it! (loudspeaker clicks off; clock begins to count down)


Can Jules and Jessi race against time to validate a room full of stories? Will the room blow up our brave new validators? To whom does the mysterious voice belong? And how many calories does a Krispy Kreme REALLY have?

Find the answers to these burning questions in the next edition of: The Scariest Interview EVER!